VIRB

I never would have imagined that working with X3 would heal my wounded heart.

2002
Something just wasn't right. I knew it in my heart and I couldn't ignore it anymore. Upon some investigation, I discovered thousands of dollars of receipts for pornography. That wasn't enough for me. What was it about this stuff that could cause a man to instantly turn off all morals and judgment, risk losing his family, his job, and his position in music ministry? I had to go and see for myself what it was all about. I do not recommend this ever, for I was not prepared for what I was about to encounter.

I remember driving that night alone, it was foggy and I had never been to this part of town ever. I was headed to 7 different locations listed on receipts that I had chosen randomly out of a hidden stash in my husband's closet. I arrived at the first location which was illuminated with neon lights; there was an undeniable spirit of darkness present. I walked in with such anger in my heart at this discovery. These places are actually legal? When I entered, the smell of incense pierced my nostrils; there was a seductive spirit loose through the beat of the music. I was instantly drawn to the pictures of the many naked women on the covers of DVD boxes, magazine covers, and boxes of paraphernalia. Hatred began to fill my veins and run rampant to my heart. I ran from store to store to see "Was this it? Sleazy, trashy women posing like animals are what lured my husband away?" Right there in that very moment, my anger towards my husbands choices, shifted and a hatred towards these women who I judged as heartless, cold and worthless filled my heart. After all, these were adult women who decided this is what they wanted for their lives: perversion and attention because of it. Shortly after discovering my husband had an intense battle with pornography 5 years ago I remember hearing of XXX Church. I remember thinking "these guys cannot be of the gospel and do what they do." It wasn't so much that I judged their hearts (so I thought) to help industry workers- as much as I thought they were so naive and cutting edge to think they could actually walk into these adult conventions and be totally unaffected. After all, the Word is very clear that we are to "set no evil thing before our eyes" for the eyes are "the window to the soul" right? What about the scripture that says "make no provision for the flesh"...or the one that talks about light having no fellowship with darkness? I began to search the X3 website and found the prayer wall, which distracted my first thoughts towards the ministry. I began seeing cry after cry of men who were bound and wanted to be free, I began to see wives and girlfriends spill out their pain into what looked like online journals of their journey with this issue of pornography in their husband's lives, and occasionally a woman would show up with her own story of addiction. My heart always went out to the "victims" of this epidemic who I recognized as those attached to the user and or the user himself. During this time I was receiving counseling from Pure Life Ministries. I will forever be grateful to them for defining mercy for me. They were the ones who taught me the mercy prayer that I ultimately used daily to pray not just for my husband but for the many men and women caught in this industry.

2006
Fast forward a few years. I was approached by two other X3prayer wall participants who wanted to start an online website/ministry (which is now known as Partners for Purity) for wives of sex addicts. I prayed about it as well as volunteering to serve the X3 ministry website because as membership was growing it was obvious that they needed the help. I began to serve both ministries, but as a wife whose life had been so drastically affected by my husband's undying devotion to pornography, the wives/girlfriends/fiancés were my heart because I understood them.

My heart grew for the ministry of X3 and their desire to spread the gospel of Christ to the sex industry workers, however it (my heart) just wasn't soft towards the "porn stars" or "porn producers" themselves and I justified this by stating that everyone has their own calling and I was not called "to them". In that secret place of my heart there was still a very broken and wounded spirit. My heart internally lashed out at every woman who dressed "inappropriately". It internally lashed out every time I saw the face of a porn star glorified on the internet or media. Judgment had taken up residency in my heart even though I was tending to the needs of the ones I chose to serve. I knew I could NEVER minister to those in the sex industry; it just was not "my calling".

2007
In January of this year, I took on a new role within the ministry of triple X Church.
I became the event coordinator for X3. I just so happen to live in Atlanta while the majority of the team lives in Grand Rapids. As most everyone who visits the ministry website is aware, X3 hosted a huge event in my home state the end of April. This event was not a typical churchy, ministry type of event. This event was an eclectic arrangement of a thought provoking, truth revealing porn debate featuring Craig Gross and Ron Jeremy. This event was an arena for muscle-head wrestlers to wrestle it out as well as the music of 80's metal band Stryper. Immediately I knew I had the ability to help spread the news, after all I live right here in Atlanta. Little did I know what God was preparing me to do...

The promoters of the event sent me a box of promotional materials to distribute. I had intentions of taking them to the hockey play offs and other venues and a friend suggested taking them to the adult stores in Atlanta. Two weeks prior to the event, my husband had a business trip out of town. I dropped him off at the Atlanta airport around 10:00am, as he was getting his suitcase out of my car; we both noticed the box of "Unscripted 2007" promotional materials on the floor of the backseat. I felt something inside of me in that moment leap. I kissed my husband goodbye and I headed back home on 85 north. My mind perplexed with the discovery of this box of materials in the backseat that I clearly remember last being on the coffee table in my living room just days before. I spent minutes trying to remember when I put them back in my car.

The next thing I recall as if it were in slow motion was looking up and seeing it...the exit I had remembered 5 years ago when I was driving frantically to those locations my husband had once spent years frequenting. I remember saying out loud "Oh no, God! Oh my word! I know what You are asking me to do for it was spoken to my heart days ago, but here? Now?...I'm alone... Oh my goodness! Lord, I haven't been there since that night 5 years ago, certainly You would not be leading me back to those tragic places by myself? I don't remember where any of them are."...oh but I knew without a doubt He was doing just that. I didn't have much time to be indecisive as the exit was now or never. Just like Abraham knowing that God was asking him to go, yet he had no clue where or how to get there, he had faith and just went as God had asked trusting He would lead the way."I will go Lord, but you will have to lead me, I do not know my way and this is not the best part of town." I remember making a right turn and going through a residential area thinking there is no way this it. I must have misunderstood. This was not what God was asking of me... to take these materials to those "seedy" stores downtown...after all it is dangerous.

Then there it was. As if the sky parted. The very intersection I had come to all those years ago. Tears began to fill my eyes... I saw the first store, I pulled right into the lot and instant peace resonated within me. I prayed and asked God to give me his words and to know just what to say when I entered...something came to me like "Ron Jeremy will be in town next week to debate on porn, can I leave these here?" But I never had to ask... Something so unexpected happened when I walked into that place.

Before I entered I heard that same familiar music, I opened the door to smell that same stench of incense. Instantly God revealed to me the sacredness of the burning of incense and how the enemy had perverted this offering.I looked around, but it was as if this covering, a veil so to speak was over me. I could see the things around, but I was not affected. I was not permeated with evil at all. I looked over my shoulder up on the wall to the left and there she was. A photograph so large it looked like something you would see in a museum or in a Hollywood movie. A naked "porn star" she was. Which five years prior, I would have cringed to look at. I didn't see her teased hair, or all of the make-up or the surgeries all I could see was her radiance! I couldn't believe how beautiful she was. Instantly I was enthralled with her beauty. Her hair was silky and soft like that of an innocent child. Her face was flawless and radiating with light, her body perfect without blemish or stain. She was truly the most beautiful woman I had ever seen a day in my life. I was breath taken. I looked back towards the counter calling out for someone, but no one came. I saw a counter to the right with all kinds of advertisements and things for the taking and to the left a perfectly cleared spot for the things I had brought to distribute. I laid them down on the counter and I turned to walk away. Looking back up at this beautiful woman my heart was grieved to leave her behind. I just didn't want to leave her she was so very real to me. Crazy I know. I left the store and I walked to my car noticing I had left the front door open. Oh no, I thought, I left my purse and wallet on the front seat in this sketchy town. I imagined the worst. But of course, God was faithful to what He had called me to and naturally nothing had been touched.

I got in the car and I began to weep. I cried out to God and said "I do not understand God, my heart is grieving. That woman, one who I would have loathed 5 years ago looked to be the most beautiful and captivating I had ever seen." God spoke to my spirit instantly and I kid you not, these were the words He imparted to me:"Michelle, I gave you my eyes to go in there. Those were the eyes of Christ that you were looking through. That is how I see those women, Michelle, all of them....and that is how I see you. Instantly I was undone. I began sobbing as I knew I was so unworthy to be chosen to go there that morning. So unworthy to be called by God to do His will in this and be given this unbelievable gift...the eyes of Christ. How could I have ever thought that God would not call me to minister to a "particular" group of people. God calls us to minister to everyone we ever come in contact with and share the love of Jesus with them and for them. If we are believers and followers of Christ, His love should be flowing for all without reservation or hesitation.

Instantly in the car that day, I understood how the minister's of X3 and the rest of our team that enters those conventions could do what they do...you see, God desires that no man (or woman) should perish that no man or woman should not know His love towards them who is Christ Jesus and the freedom they can live in Him. He loves them enough to send in those who will go and be His voice, His heart, His hands, and feet. I asked God to forgive me for not trusting Him completely with the team and this is what he imparted to my spirit..."If they don't do it, Michelle, who will, the guys on the corner with the signs that scream "repent or go to hell?" I'm not in that; I never came to the lost or the broken in that manner."

I had to call Craig and repent as well as share what God had done for me. I told him I finally understood how they did it...how they could go into a convention filled with muck and evil and minister without being touched or trapped by the evil works of the enemy.Craig humbly responded in love as he usually does. Never once judging me for the very Pharisaical attitude I had carried within that secret place of my heart for so long.While I realize that this was my experience and to put it into words doesn't nearly convey the magnitude of what took place that day, I could not experience such an amazing transformation and keep it to myself. It is a testimony to the love of God. I also realize that only God can open the eyes of the blind. Thank you Lord for the mercy you have shown me, I once was lost and blind, but now am found and see.