VIRB

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about routine and how much of an impact it has on my spiritual life. I've also realized that I go through the same routine every single day. It's depressing to think about actually. I can now give others an exact play-by-play of my tomorrow with about as much effort as it takes for me to change the channel on the T.V. I have become my own fortuneteller. I've also come to realization that most people in today's society live in somewhat of a routine- the question I ask myself is why? ....Why? It's a simple question. There is nothing hiding behind it. It's just a simple "Why?" I began to ask myself this question about a week ago and I have found that this simple, one-word question has become one of the single, most irritating questions I've ever asked myself. The question has been pestering and following me like one of those irritating gnats you find in the middle of fields that do nothing but suck the moisture out of your eyes and piss you off. All you want to do in situations like those is either 1) Keep swatting at the gnats, hoping eventually they will just leave you alone (2) Just give up the fight and admit defeat and let those tireless gnats feast on your eyes until they've sucked them dry or (3) Kill them. Kill every single one. At this point, in regards to my question, I don't think I am at step two- ready to admit defeat, nor do I think that I am at step three because I have not yet been able to find my answer proving that I am right and victorious over my burdening question. I think that, after honestly examining myself I find myself at a step one kind of approach. I see the question, but I continue to swat at it thus giving me more time to avoid the problem of answering the question. That's what I am- an avid avoider and procrastinator, and frankly, I'm pretty good at it. I also don't think that I am avoiding answering the question because I don't know the answer. I think it's more that I know the answer yet, I'm not ready to change and see the results of that answer put into action. I've come to realize that I am afraid of change and my daily routine is proof of that.

Everyday I wake up around the same time, between the hours of six and seven a.m. After I wake up I go through the same annoying struggle of finding my phone, which I use as my alarm clock, to press the "snooze" button which will give my five more minutes of sleep- five more minutes of sleep that is absolutely necessary if I am to have a good day. After the extra five minutes of sleep, I am again interrupted by my alarm's irritating ringtone of "Play That Funky Music White Boy"- I can now longer listen to the song without cringing; the very lyrics seem to just piss me off and send me into a lousy mood. The problem I've run into now though is, because I've had that ringtone set to wake me up everyday for the last few years, I now have trouble waking up to anything else. For a while I tried waking up to a song by The White Stripes, but that turned out to be even more irritating and lasted only a few nights. I guess that's what to expect though after having relied on such an annoying one hit wonder to wake me up everyday- thank YOU Wild Cherry. I have now become immune to any other sort of alarm. After my second alarm goes off I head for the bathroom to answer nature's call and take my morning shower- I have a routine in the shower as well but I have decided to spare you all of the details, you can imagine though- the typical soaping, shampooing, and scrubbing of limbs- nothing special. After my rinse I usually have about fifteen minutes to get dressed and fix myself breakfast. I have a terrible habit of wearing the same clothes everyday. I'm not sure why I do it but it seems to get the attention of the people around me because I am constantly getting comments like, "Didn't you wear that shirt yesterday?", and "It's about time you got a new shirt, huh?", I just sit there and smile back and usually try to come up with something clever and insulting to hurl back at them, with the hope and anticipation that they cry. Sarcasm and insults are some of my spiritual gifts.

After the ritual of my dressing and eating I either head to one of two places: school or work. Mondays and Wednesdays I work the morning shift at a local coffee house where I see the same customers every single day. It's depressing to work there sometimes because I see that they too have the same daily routines as me. I see the same people get the same exact drink everyday and frankly, it makes me want to strangle of them. I don't even know half of our customer's names, but I know their drink, and I sometimes greet them by it- "Medium Soy Latte! What's up man? How's the fam?", "Small English Breakfast Tea with a Sourdough Roll, Carrot Cake Bread, and Cherry Crisp! How's it goin'? Can you get a load of this weather?" Our conversations usually last about a minute or so and it usually consists of us talking about stupid stuff that neither one of us could give a crap about. I call them "obligation conversations". As in, I'm making your drink, you are waiting for your drink to made and therefore we are obligated to make small talk until it is finished. I've been told that this is not the best way to look at situations like these but I know that whatever is going through my head is streaming through the head of whoever it is I'm dealing with- it's just a fact of life I suppose.

My routine at school is almost not even worth noting. I sit in the same seat in almost every class, talk to the same people, sit at either one of two different benches on my break, and count down the hours until I can go back home. But that's only on days that I actually attend school. A lot of mornings I convince myself that I have better things to do with my time then waste it inside of crammed classroom- which, morally, I find to be the best decision. It's an ongoing battle of "sticking it to the man" as I like to say.

After my day at work or school, I head home around 3:00ish which is when I try to run my errands, do homework, or do whatever else it is that I have to do. It's tough though, doing things at this time, because I've found that the time between 3:00 p.m. and 6:00 p.m. to be my least favorite time of the day. Nothing good happens between these hours. There is no meal to look forward to, it always seems to be the hottest in temperature during these hours, the freeways are impregnated with bumper-to-bumper traffic- known as rush hour, and it is usually too early to start your evening plans with people because everyone else is busy running their own errands.
As soon as I make it to 6:00 p.m., I usually try to plan on eating dinner with my family and then I head out for the evening with friends and try to find something fun or interesting to do- but it usually always ends with us going over to someone's house sitting around the family room trying to think of something else for us to do- somehow, we all still find this somewhat entertaining and we offer to hang out with each other again the next night. After I leave our gathering, its back home where I head into the garage, which is where I now sleep, and set my alarm so that I can, once again, be awakened by "Play that Funky Music.." the next morning.

I realize that this describes only my typical Monday-Friday week, and some of you may be wondering, "Wow. What a tiresome and mundane week, but I'm sure his weekend is more exciting than that!!..."
...
...
...I'd actually rather forget mentioning my weekend and just move on.

Those are my routines.
Plain and simple.

I mentioned earlier my answer to my proposed question, and said it was because I am afraid of change, but that's wrong. I think it's safe to say that I am actually intimidated by change (I was actually contemplating using the word 'terrified' so that way I could put this link in: http://youtube.com/watch?v=A4iRRkjmrFk but, 'intimidated is definitely the right word choice for this particular situation).

I am intimidated by change. It's actually hard for me to bring myself to say these words. Partly because I have a massive ego and I realize that I have trouble admitting defeat in most situations, and partly because I know that when I admit these words I am allowing myself to be open and vulnerable for change to take place. I've found out that it's once you admit your weakness when your weakness begins to really take a hold in your life and test your limits and morals. I think that I am ready to admit my weakness though: My weakness is CHANGE. I'm not exactly sure why I find change to be so intimidating exactly. I guess deep down I have a fear of loneliness. I think I've always associated the word 'change' with the word 'loss', as I'm sure most people in today's society do too. When I was younger and I was given the option to change schools, all I could think about was what I would be losing by leaving my old school. I've had dating relationships that have changed, or ended, and even though they seemed to change for the better, there is still that sense of loss that you feel after leaving someone you who've cared so much about. After my high school graduation, I felt a huge loss, mainly because everything that I had become dependent on and comfortable with would be changing: friends, schools, environments, futures, etc. In each of these situations, I took a more 'glass half-empty' point of view making me dwell on the things that I had lost. But 'loss' is not one of the definitions of change- in fact, 'loss' is the exact opposite of the meaning. Mr. Webster states the definition of 'change' like this: change- to arrive at a fresh stage; to become new. I've realized that I have never looked at change through this perspective. I've never felt as if I have arrived at a new, fresh stage, because I've dwelled too much on what was exactly being changed. I know now why I create routines for myself- to avoid dealing with the new. I depend on my routines to get me get through the day. They help bring me a sense of comfort and stability because I know that they will never change. By keeping to myself, and making my personal matters my number one priority, I can avoid dealing with new and unfamiliar situations. The problem with this is, not only by depending on my routines am I missing out on a lot of great things in life, but I am depending on my routines to get me through the day when I should be depending on God.

I believe God works most through change.

I believe God puts change in our lives in order to test our willingness do look to Him for guidance, comfort, and stability. My routines are keeping me from doing this. God, simply, does not fit into my schedule. By looking to Him, I would be, once again, forgetting everything that is comfortable to me. I've found that I'd rather choose the time that's most convenient for me to let God help me through my week, and because of this mentality, I see my spirituality falling. But at the same time, even though I continue to ignore help from God, I realize that I still have a deep longing and desire to get over myself and give everything God, or as Carrie Underwoord would say, "..let Jesus take the wheel."

My routines cover up my hurt. They keep me from opening myself up and allowing myself the freedom to let go of the past. They are hindering my ability to trust God. One of the most beautiful metaphors I've ever heard for God is that God is like an open ocean. God is as unpredictable as a storm in the middle of the open sea. God has a deep unknown to him that draws your curious spirit to Him, just as the depths of an ocean do. He can be as calm and comforting as the tide as it breathes across the shore. I want to let go of my routines, my hurt, and loneliness and jump whole-heartedly into the deep unknown of God, trusting him to lead my life. I think it's only then, that I'll start living with true comfort, stability, and dependence.

"..Trust God from the bottom of your heart; ?
don't try to figure out everything on your own.?
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; ?
he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil!?
Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!"
-Proverbs 3:5-9

While writing this post, I was inspired and accompanied by the writings of Miss Anne Lamott, T.S. Eliot, Irvine Regional Park, mewithoutYou, The White Stripes, The Velvet Underground, Beck, Pink Floyd, David Bazan, Queens of the Stone Age, Psalters, Simon and Garfunkel, Norah Jones, The American Analog Set, a latte macchiato, and Mr. Indiana Jones in his great quest for the lost Ark of the Covenant.