VIRB

In spite of that really great tag line, you probably have no interest in reading this blog.

The hole in my heart is in the shape of a vagina. Which isn't to say I'm interested in letting go of my V Card any time soon. But it is NOT GOOD for man to be alone. That idea is widely credited to the Man Upstairs. I always thought that I would be really satisfied at this point in my life. I have a dream job (career, even), more money than I'll ever deserve, the most beautiful, loving, talented friends around... there's nothing else I could ask for. And yet the vagina shaped hole remains. And casts a shadow over all that is good.

Anyone who tells you that you can find total satisfaction in God while being single has never read the book of Genesis & has no understanding whatsoever of the human condition. Or they've mistaken you for an Apostle &, as such, probably expect your beheading to come in the next three-to-five years. Maybe even sooner. Persecution is a bitch. Not that I would know anything about that. I've just heard things. Hopefully you won't be crucified on an inverted cross. (How did the inverted cross become a "satanic" symbol, by the way? Wasn't it, according to church history, an act of humility to be crucified upside-down? To refuse to be crucified in the same way as Jesus Christ?)

And so the vagina-shaped hole cries out from deep within my heart for compensation. To be satisfied. To exit stage left of "not good."

But I don't see it happening any time soon.

I decided a few weeks ago that I don't want to settle for less than what I want the most. Garth Brooks says that "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." But I think that's bullshit. Because, for one, you can't pray for God to make someone do something or feel something. That discounts free will. And also there's no way to say that life wouldn't have otherwise been better. I like it better when he says "we call them weak who are unable to resist the slightest chance love might exist and for that forsake it all..." It's kind of funny how Unanswered Prayers & Standing Outside the Fire are back to back on Garth's Greatest Hits. Two polar opposite sentiments... thankful contentment & reckless passion.

Daniel said last night that it's human nature to want what we can't have. And to not desire what's attainable. And that IS human nature. But only as a consequence... Rosie O'Donnell wants nothing to do with me but that doesn't make me want any less repulsed by her (physically or intellectually). I don't want who I want BECAUSE they don't want me, but because their combination of looks and talent and so on begs for exclusivity. And I wouldn't turn down someone more "available" BECAUSE they're available, but because they don't have the exclusive combination of things I'm looking for. The reason I desire a Ferarri 456 GTA over my minivan has to do with the looks and performance, not attainability. Although I desire a 2001 Jeep Cherokee much more than a 456 because it has everything that I really desire and am comfortable with, nevermind that it's attainable (and will be parked on the sidewalk on my street in a couple of weeks, at that).

Goddammit, I think I'm a catch. I don't think I need to settle. So I won't.

I'll just complain. Indefinitely.