VIRB

(wee)
So, it's officially Christmas now. I remember the days when I would fall asleep as fast as I could in anticipation for Christmas morning, anxiously awaiting the magic. I would try so hard that I would fill my head with thoughts of what would come, and inevitably delay my sleep longer until I slowly dozed off.

In times when life was already so carefree, there was little to keep me from enjoying my holiday. The only thing running through my mind was how much I knew I would enjoy what was to come, no matter what it was.

Unfortunately those times dwindled away long ago. This will be my nineteenth Christmas, and the magic has all but faded away. Thoughts of the troubles of everyday life now take the place of the anticipation, and I realize that Christmas this year will no longer resemble what it once was in the slightest. Instead, I find more comfort looking back on all of the peaceful, playful Christmastime memories I've thus far collected.

Memories of the early times float through my head in no particular order; fleeting and unorganized, I hesitate to cling to them, fearing that my attempts to fully cognify them and bring them out into the open might somehow damage and alter them, and taint them with suppositions and my attempts to fill in the blanks.

Decorating the Christmas tree with ornaments and lights and turning off the lights in the room and watching the colorful glow. The crisp, fluffy snow, falling from the night sky and covering the neighborhood, sparkling under the parking lot streetlights. Going to the mall and seeing the elaborate winter wonderland they had set up. Waking up with excitement and a bright, snow-covered day, finding my mothers Christmas breakfast - egg and ham casserole, weak coffee, and her highly anticipated coffee cake Christmas pastry - the only thing that could distract us from the presents under the tree.

These are the things I look back to. I suppose the reason I'm so... sentimental... this year is that things have changed so much, this year especially.

My sister and her boyfriend came up from their new home in Florida on Saturday (they couldn't land on Friday because of the dense fog), and left today (Christmas Eve). So, yesterday morning we had our Christmas breakfast instead. We had a Christmas "dinner" the night they arrived (we'll have another one tomorrow night), with the strange but welcome addition of the boyfriend; after which most of the presents were exchanged.

I know what I'm getting this year. I've been needing a real beard-trimmer for some time, and have complained about my mother's coffee maker being too big for me (I make too much or the grounds don't get saturated enough). Lastly, on Black Friday, I was browsing the Apple Store out of curiosity. I thought they wouldn't offer a discount, that's not like them. I've been needing a pair of new earbuds for some time, and I heard a friend talk about the superb quality of Shure earbuds. When I checked, a $250 pair was marked $200, so I bought it for myself. A week or more later, they came up in conversation and my mother offered to pay for half of them en exchange for labeling them as a Christmas gift to myself.

Honestly, this has to be one of the most bittersweet "gifts" I have ever received. I spent a good hour and a half deliberating the purchase. They were to be the first and biggest purchase I've ever made with money I've earned. Having my mother subsidize them cheapens the remaining value for me as much as she is paying balancing out at $0. I was looking forward to having them as a mark of my achievement. They would be the first thing that I had gotten for myself and had not been given.

I'm aware that I can go out and buy something worth approximately $100 and pretend that was the gift, but for me it has already been ruined.

...On the other hand, I haven't accepted any money yet. I'll just have her buy something for me later instead. Still, she will still try to say she gave them to me. It's important for me to have it myself. No wrapping. No Bow. No card. Just one small little postage box addressed to me, containing the results of my effort.

View original post >>