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A little background info
My name is Khoa. I'm Vietnamese, male, 20 years old (soon to be 21 in January), and single, haha. I live in Milpitas, CA, and it's boring as shit, so I'm moving to Portland, OR in March. I have a 6 year old West Highland White Terrier named Toby. I've been playing the drums since 5th grade, the bass guitar since freshman year of high school, and a bit of guitar and piano. I went to Santa Clara University for 2 years, studying computer engineering, but am now going to the Art Institute of Portland for Visual & Game Programming. I've been working at Starbucks since April '07, at the McCarthy Ranch location in Milpitas. My gamertag on xbox live is drumzboy, and I mostly play Halo 3, of course. I drive a 2007 Scion tC, indigo ink blue.
Look up on the right column for my other websites and personal links. If nothing else, check out my Picasa web albums. There are pictures of me on this site, but all of my photo albums are there.
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That's where I give in. 2 weeks ago
"I hate when you say that I never fight for you.
Sometimes you breathe all over my scar.
You always end up closer than close.
That's where I give in."
After spending an entire day outside yesterday, I decided to spend this entire day inside. Which is not to say I spent it alone, but it's easier to be contemplative without all the distractions of society. Or, should I say, brooding.
I felt like posting. I don't know why. But I figure instead of writing an "epic" post about some big event or some epiphany or whatever, maybe I'd just write about what's going on right here, right now in my mind. One of those posts that will end up being deleted later on.
After about 9 years, I've decided to start a website again. It's not going to be very extravagant. Mostly, it'll just be a central hub for my 50 million other websites. One click central for everything Khoa. Why? I don't know. Why not.
I'm leaving for Cali next Monday. I'll get to spend almost 2 whole weeks at home with friends. Undoubtedly, my parents are going to make me visit some family. That's okay, I'll plan it around the times my friends are unavailable because they're at work or whatever.
I woke up this morning to a whole lot of family drama. It's ridiculous. It's so ridiculous I really don't want to get into it here. But I just brought it up to state that my blood no longer feels like my family. My friends, all of my good friends, they are my family now.
I failed two classes. I dropped one. I got a C and B in the other. Really bad, huh? I'm hoping I'll do better next quarter. I will try. I'm shortening my hours a lot next quarter. I'm taking classes that I'll have more motivation for. I'm a lot more used to living up here now. I have a better understanding of the school system now. My utter failure this quarter at school is a really bad bitchslap for me. I needed it.
Funny how you'd never really know. Maybe never even guess. I mean, I sounded like I was dealing, right? That I was handling my life decently. Even I believed it for a while. I wanted to believe that all the stresses didn't shut me down.
Who was I kidding? A drunken night alone. Crying myself to sleep another night. Almost breaking down on the max to school. Utter frustration at work. Some stubborn part of me wanted to ignore all of it. So I could put on a brave face and tell people that I'm doing just fine up here. I didn't want to admit that they were right about it being overwhelmingly hard. That maybe I shouldn't have moved.
But in my mind, these past 4 months have been worth it. I've grown, I've learned, I've matured, and I've pulled myself out of a one and a half year slump that looked like it had no end. I've made peace with myself. I've fought for a small sense of closure. Yes, it was worth it. It's not much, but it was worth it.
And now, I have a few more days to spend with friends up here. Starcraft LAN party at Brice's tomorrow. Probably hanging out with Reuben at some point. Liz and Kimmy. I've made some good friends up here. Friends who are getting used to me being around. Friends who understand me better than I think they do. Friends who know when to keep their distance, and more importantly, when to shove. That's probably the only thing they have over my Cali friends. Which is more my fault than it is theirs, really. To my Cali friends, I've trained them well to back the hell off of me when I don't want to be bothered. My OR friends are a bit more stubborn. They know when I'm not in a good mood, and they don't care. They'll bug me until I go out with them and then they force me to have a good time. Yeah, sometimes it takes a couple beers, but you know what? It's a couple hours I'm smiling, laughing, being out with friends rather than a couple hours of sitting alone at home. A couple hours go a long way.
They're good people. Quite different than my Cali friends, but that's fine with me. I love them all.
Rob and I are heading out to Puerto Vallarta after my couple weeks in Cali. It's going to be an awesome time. It'll be good for us. To spend time together and connect more. As close as friends as we've been, we've never really spent THAT much time together. Justin and I were always together during high school. We went on a week long cruise together. We lived together. We went to Playa del Carmen (Mexico) together. Rob's usually out because of work. He moved to Gilroy for a while, and when he finally moved back, two months later I moved here. So yeah, it'll be nice for us to have a week of nothing but hanging out together.
It'll be great having two weeks to spend with my friends too. Tina and I have gotten really close. I've had a lot of female friends, moreso than male friends, but she's pretty much the epitome of them. She is the best friend I've ever had. There is no doubt; the feeling of love I get from her is undeniable, and that's saying a lot for how usually unconfident I am due to self-doubt, lack of self-esteem. She calls me when she's worried about me, stays up to talk to me, confides in me... Somehow, even when I'm feeling like utter shit, she manages to make me feel better, and then changes the subject to take my mind off of it. She does it so well that I don't notice she's changed the subject and gotten me laughing until a while later. Even as I'm making that realization, I'm smiling, and am so thankful for her friendship. She literally keeps me sane. There have been days up here I've just wanted to quit life. I just want to lay in bed and not deal with anything. Just lay there and ignore all responsibilities, forget everything, and never rejoin life. But she's there for me. I am beyond honored to be part of her wedding, and to be considered such a good friend and trusted by her fiance. He's definitely a lucky man.
I'm looking forward to dancing with Romil and Daniel again. New dance videos dammit! hahaha. It'll be good times. I'm planning on buying a 24 pack of hef from costco. And finishing it before my two weeks are up, lol. And more karaoke at Jenn's!
Well, I've gotta open tomorrow. 4:15am, sucks, haha. I'll be off then. Hope you had fun reading my random blathering.
In the end, you start thinking about the beginning. 2 weeks ago
My name is Anh Khoa Vu Ngo. Son to Anhchau and Hanna, younger brother of Thu. As a kid, I was adored and loved. I was a happy kid, full of questions and energy, dance and music. Before I could even walk, I was already hitting pots and pans and bowls and plates in the kitchen with a pair of chopsticks. Still in diapers, I would sing the words to "Sandy" by heart and dance by myself in front of our TV playing Grease. I also remember getting my head stuck inbetween our stair railing in my Hay Court house in Milpitas, and swallowing a screw. We took an x-ray, and you could see the screw in my stomach, haha. I shat it out later. Good start, huh?
I attended Milpitas Christian School for preschool and kindergarten. From 1st to 4th grade, I went to Sunnyvale Challenger. They taught two grades ahead; it was a very hard school. I remember having a crush on a couple girls in that school, as much of a crush you could have at that age. One girl was a white girl named Yvonne, and she was amazing at playing the violin. The other was a girl named Yuria, a beautiful Japanese girl. My fondest memories of Challenger are playing prison ball (a variation of mission ball/dodgeball) during recess. I distinctly remember being "grounded" and sent to stand by the wall while the rest of my class played because the teacher suggested a girl vs boy match, and I innocently responded "Isn't that unfair? The girls will lose." It made me angry, I had no idea why I was being punished. As if at that age, I had an idea of sexism. And besides that, it was true, hah.
I believe this was back when I lived on my house on N. Hillview Drive, in Milpitas. Back when we only had one computer, and my sister and I were just discovering the internet. Laying on the carpet in front of the TV, watching MTV while they still played actual music videos. I have a slight visual of what my house used to look like... I don't really remember it that well anymore. I do have a memory of laying on the ground, wanting to NOT study for a history test. I pretended to fall asleep, so that my dad would just allow me to stop studying and go to my room and sleep. Well, I did fall asleep, and my plan worked out accordingly, hehe. But yeah, I ended up transferring to Milpitas Christian School because I wasn't doing well enough in Challenger.
I spent 5th-8th grade in MCS. Because I was taught a couple grades ahead, I was farther advanced than the other students. We used to do those 10x10 grid arithmetic timed tests, and I completely owned my class. I finished it so much faster that I couldn't believe nobody else was done yet. Later, I was to be told that this girl named Katie used to be the fastest. But she wasn't even close to me, hehe. It's only in good irony that she's the first girl I really had a crush on. Somehow, the rumor was spread to her. At the end of 5th grade, she confronted me. I tried to play it off, but she looked at me, said "Khoa, just tell me the truth." So I did. And she responded, "I like you too." Unfortunately, summer came too soon, and we didn't talk over it.
Come 6th grade, seeing her again, my feelings were not changed. I remember buying her a bookmark as a cute little gift, and asking her if she wanted to go out on a date with me. The answer wasn't only a no, but the beginning of the worst attacks on my self-esteem and self-confidence. She tore me down for being fat. Utterly and completely. To this day, I have not never been self-conscious about my looks. But that's not too far off from any normal person, right?
7th grade rolls around, and a classmate calls me for the vocabulary list. It's in my backpack, next to my leg, but I'm feeling particularly lazy. I keep her on the phone, her being a girl named Linh. We talk, we talk, we talk, we forget about the real reason she even called me. And so, we talk again the next day. And the day after. We talked so much together, we'd become accustomed to each other. Of course, the fact that I thought she was one of the prettiest girls in the school helped out. And imagine my surprise when one day during one of our phone conversations, she asks me to be her boyfriend. Well, yes, of course I'd love to, haha. Of course, all that really meant was more talking on the phone all the time.
But there was one instance I will always remember. The end of some random school day... Linh comes over and asks me for a hug. So I comply. This other girl named Sabrina notices us, and goes "Ewww, why are you hugging Khoa?" Linh looks at her, face full of challenge, and replies promptly "Because he's my boyfriend!" That little thing has always stuck in my mind. She probably doesn't really remember it, but I do. It's the little things that matter.
Of course, all good stories must come to an end, and by God what an end I could've not used in my life. She broke up with me. Not only did she break up with me, she didn't. Which is to say, she had somebody else do it. None other than my future best friend, Justin. We were more acquaintances at the time. The day had started out strange. By lunch, I had a queasy feeling in my stomach. I don't know how, but my body had some kind of premonition about what was to come. After lunch, we always wait to be let out to the playground for lunch recess. While standing in the crowd, Justin approaches me, with Linh's best friend not too far behind him. He tells me she wants to break up with me, at which point the teacher lets us all out. I tear up, I turn around, and I walked away. I wanted to hate Justin so bad for it. But somehow, some mature part of me knew that he didn't know what he was getting into. He was the bearer of bad news, the messenger, he had no fault in it except for pure naivity. I let it go. Hell, I wasn't even really mad at Linh. I mean, it wasn't like we were in love, or that it was even a real relationship. I guess I was just sad to be alone. It was a really lonely feeling. That's the only way I can describe it, the only thing I really remember about my state of mind.
Which leads me to something I really haven't told anybody. Afterwards, I became a pretty dark, broody boy for a 7th grader in a Christian school. I took apart my red pens, blotted the ink over my wrists, and pretended that I was having fun tricking people into thinking I cut my wrists. One of my friends -- sidenote: all of my friends during my time at MCS followed me around like I was their leader. No joke. I didn't ask for it. But they did. -- even copied me and genuinely flashed it around as a joke. The teachers somehow noticed that he was joking around whereas I wasn't. They somehow noticed I was really unhappy. They called my parents in for a meeting with me. I was scared. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if I was in trouble, or what was going on. My teachers explained why we were there. All of them asked me what was wrong. As I sat there, my voice choking up, tears welling up in my eyes, I stuttered over the words that would describe my state of being for the next 5 years of my life: "I don't feel like I am appreciated. The things I do for people, however much I help them, how good of a friend I try to be... I don't feel like they care. If I wasn't around, it wouldn't make a difference. My life doesn't matter." Of course, not as well worded, in complete sentences, but that was the gist. I don't remember anything after I said those words, looking at my parents and my teacher sitting around me.
8th grade. Science camp was one of the first things we did in the school year. And man, it was awesome. Hiking around a couple miles per day, nothing but your backpack, a couple sets of clothes, your sleeping bag and pad, and your water bottle. We slept under the sky, under the stars. It was one of the most liberating experiences I have ever had. Not only that, the preconceived notions people had of me were blown away on that trip, as was mine of them. We got to know each other really well, discover things we never knew about each other. On that trip, Katie and I finally resolved our long, bitter feud and became friends again. Dennis and I became closer friends, the start of a friendship that has lasted up til now.
It was also the year I found myself becoming more and more of a Christian. In class, we would take prayer requests. The teacher would write up on the board students' requests about a sick family member or some accomplishment they are going for or anything of any sort. Then, she'd ask for different volunteers to take different requests and take turns praying for them out loud. I remember one day during this session, nobody would volunteer for the first request. It had something to do with somebody's sick relative. Disgusted, I raised my hand to take it. And boldly, I stated to the whole class "This is rather pathetic when the non-Christian in the class (which I was known to be) is the only one to volunteer for a prayer request." The teacher nodded her head at me in understanding and agreement. To which another classmate, quickly getting defensive, countered "Why are you volunteering if you don't even believe in God?" "Because whether or not I believe in God, I care about [this person] and I didn't want to leave him hanging." It shut the whole class up real quick. The teacher followed up with words to support what I said.
Nearing the end of the year, I was randomly pulled out of class by one of my friends, a girl named Elizabeth. She brought me over to our bible teacher's room. She explained to me why the three of us were there. Elizabeth, a good friend at the time, had informed our teacher that I had been getting closer to God by my own choice, praying in my own time (secretly-ish). My teacher asked me if I wanted to say the prayer that would convert me to Christianity there in that room, with the two of them as witnesses. As corny as it sounds, it was a rather magical moment in my life. I am by no means the perfect Christian, and not fanatical by far, but there was a holy feeling declaring my faith right then. Considering I had spent almost 4 complete years as a non-Christian in a Christian school, arguing my logic vs everybody else's faith, trust me, I know exactly where non-believers stand. I know how much we hate it when people try to preach or sing dumb poorly-written songs or retardedly hide behind their faith. I still do. So I'm not one of those. My faith is a private matter of mine, and the only time I share it is when somebody takes the initiative to ask. And so, these past two paragraphs are the most open public words I have ever spoken about it.
Heh, I remember the last day of school. I woke up and listened to Eve 6's "Here's To The Night". The end of school, I walked around and said bye to everybody, and choked back tears as I walked to my parent's car. It was like a chapter finishing in my life. Bittersweet.
And in comes high school. I got rejected from Bellermine and Mitty, but I never really wanted to go to either anyways. So, Milpitas High School it is. And man, I did not know what I was getting into.
I had one friend coming in, and that was Justin. The two of us, sheltered private Christian school kids heading into the big public high school. We stuck together the whole way through. We were inseparable. We finished each other's sentences, we laughed before we finished our jokes, we answered for each other... the main greeting the two of us got when seen alone was "Hey Justin, where's Khoa?" / "Hey Khoa, where's Justin?" Freshman year wasn't very eventful. Justin and I spent all breaks together, hung out at each other's houses after school on Fridays, pretty much did everything together.
Sophomore year, ah, the start of everything. Our drum teacher, Joe, is also the percussion/drumline instructor at our high school. And being that the two of us were 5-6 year students of his at the time, he pretty much forced us into drumline. I remember the first day we walked in to the perc room and everybody stared at us. Goddamn, the two of us were cocky as hell. I mean, everybody in the room had already heard rumors of us joining and that we were good. As we scanned the room, we smiled an evil smile, and sat down next to each other. Such assholes, lol.
Our marching band took a trip to Reno. There, I met a guy who has become one of my very best friends. So, Justin and I are in a room with a couple other guys. We get a knock on our door, and this dude comes in. He's like, "I got locked out of my room, so I just thought I'd chill over here." He then proceeds to stick an empty soda bottle down his shorts, and then talk about his sexual adventures with his ex-gf. At first I was like, who the fuck is this guy? And then... he's pretty funny, haha. And that's how I met Rob.
The rest of sophomore year is not very memorable. Junior year though, that's where the fun begins.
Of course, like any good story, it starts with a girl. A girl, and an odd question: "Do you want to be my nephew?"
I didn't know who this girl was, besides that her name is Diane. Short, chinese, kinda pretty, and totally invading my alone time as I was sitting by myself, waiting for the buses to come to pick up the marching band for a competition. "Uh... no?" Hah.
I was friends with her best friend, Liz, though. She kinda introduced me to Diane. Or at least, told me about her. I really don't know how it moved on from there. All I know is that she asked me for hugs, and one day she didn't let go for a longer while than usual. And I didn't mind.
After one competition, we got home pretty late into the night, and I was grabbing my things from the perc room so I could head back home. Diane pushed her way past the other drummers leaving into the perc room. I looked at her, my face saying "Why are you in here?" -- it wasn't a normal thing for non-drummers to be in the perc room. She hugged me, and we stood there holding each other for quite a while. After that night, it turned into a normal thing for us. During certain passing periods, we'd always be together, hugging, standing with each other. We were an unofficial couple of some sort. I wanted to kiss her, but I never did. I had never kissed anyone before, and I was certainly too nervous too. But after a while, I finally pulled together the courage to ask her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. I guess she was scared of the idea, I don't know. She said no, and pushed me out of her life for a bit.
Just when I started regaining hope in my life, it was shot down like that. But, I tried to recover. We became really good friends. We shared in everything. Everything. We talked to each other about everything. I probably knew her better then than anybody else in her life, as she did me. We were both going through hard times. But we had each other. But still, somehow, stupid, naive, ignorant me failed to notice the worst of her. I forget who finally told me... I think it was Liz. Diane had scars from cutting herself, and there were some fresh ones too. I freaked. I was scared. I cared about her a lot. I loved her. I certainly didn't want to hear that she was suicidal or harming herself. I talked to her about it. And badly enough, I started to relate. After getting into a dark enough mood myself, I followed her habits. I fell into that world too.
When there are problems in your life you can't control, as everybody knows, it's the most frustrating thing. The fact that you can't do anything to fix it yourself, the ultimate feeling of helplessness as these evils roll through your life, it's hard to deal. So that was my reason. If I couldn't control that pain, I put the pain somewhere I could feel it and control it myself. I wasn't suicidal, nor was she, but that's how we dealt. She didn't like that I was doing it, but who was she to talk? It turned into an unspoken thing that we alone shared with each other. And thinking back now, that was the reason our relationship and friendship failed. We shared in the pain and the comfort, but we had nothing good or happy to offer each other. She was right to push me out of her life. That's why I don't hate her now. She still hasn't talked to me since then, but it's not an issue with me.
Come summertime after junior year. Liz introduces me to another friend of hers, Edith, looking to learn how to play bass. I kinda played bass, (ok that's a bit modest, I'm pretty good at playing, but know next to nothing about the theoretical part of it), so I gave her some unofficial lessons. That didn't really work out as her dad was very much against her hanging out with boys alone. I guess he was right about it, cause we started crushing on each other. Edith was my first "official" girlfriend. In words alone though. We never really did go on any dates, as her parents didn't know about us. We talked on the phone a lot though. I don't even think we had much in common. But for some reason, she liked me. I liked her enough, and it was nice not having my mind on Diane. And yeah, that's a horrible thing to say, but that's how it was. But I tried to make something out of it. I had my first kiss with her, on her living room floor, with Pirates of the Caribbean on her tv. I will never forget it, because I will never live down the ultimate shame of having my first kiss during an Orlando Bloom movie. LOL, I kid. Or I don't. Either way, I won't let that go, and it bothers her hahaha.
Unfortunately, her impossible situation with her parents took a toll on our relationship. It could never grow past our little hidden secret, and that bothered me too much, as it rightfully should. I checked out of the relationship long before I actually broke up with her. I finally did though, and it was not a pleasant experience for me. Up until then, I had been the one broken up with. And I can honestly say now, I'd rather have it that way. Even though our relationship had already died, even though I made the right choice for us both, I felt unbearably guilty breaking up with her.
But in comes band camp, before the start of my senior year. Liz, yet again (you think I'd have learned by now, LOL) casually verbally pokes at me during a conversation, "I bet you've been checking out Kelsey huh?" "Who's Kelsey?" "What?? You don't know who Kelsey is?? You'll definitely like her."
And wow, she was a vision. I noticed her half-asian half-white ethnicity right away, as I am such a sucker for those. Pretty face, adorable smile, and her tendency to stay a little out of the crowd alone was just too cute to me. I had never, ever been forward with any girl until that point. I know what I saw, and I know what I wanted, and it was simple as that for me.
The first time we really talked... it was during a lunch break during one of the days at band camp. She was sitting alone at a table eating her food. I was walking with my friend Serena. We notice her sitting alone, and Serena knows I have a crush on her. Serena says, "I have to go grab something, why don't you go sit with Kelsey and I'll meet up with you two after." Normally, being the shy, unconfident me, I would've said no. But this time, I don't know what was in me. I just said ok, and walked over with the most confidence I've ever had in my life. I said hey, sat down, and started talking a bunch of gibberish to her. Telling jokes, claiming I was half-filipino, and just completely random stuff. And for some reason, she didn't get annoyed at me. At least, that's what she told me.
We talked more and more after that, finding a common interest in Buffy. We had a small competition between each other about who knew more trivia about Buffy. I think that's what hooked us together. I asked her if we could sit together on the bus on the way to a competition, and she was glad I did. We sat together from then on, quickly becoming more comfortable with each other. Holding hands, hugging, her leaning on my shoulder and sleeping on the ride home from competitions. I finally asked her to be my girlfriend, and she said of course. And asked why it took me so long, haha. I guess I wasn't THAT confident in myself, even though pretty much every other person responded the same way when I told them we were finally official. She told her dad a week later. After Edith, I was extremely surprised. She felt like she took too long. I couldn't be happier with her.
The next two years were two of the best years of my life. I loved her so much, as she did me. We hung out, went out on dates, bought each other gifts, spent insane amounts of time on the phone, I cooked her food, took care of her while she was sick, she made me undoubtedly feel like I was finally worth something to somebody.
Her smell. The smell of her hair and her skin is what I will always remember most. Nothing could make me feel more at peace, more relaxed than her smell. There was nowhere I'd rather have been than next to her, holding her. It's what I miss the most now.
But time went by, and the thrill of young love slowly faded. At least, for her it did. And I knew it. Things weren't the same as they used to be. We could spend a couple weeks apart and she wouldn't really miss me at all. It hurt. I knew it wasn't working out for her, but it didn't look like she was going to take a step in fixing it or breaking up with me. So I made a horrible choice for myself and did it for her. I let go of her because I loved her. I don't blame her for anything, at least not anymore. Things changed. I just had a harder time accepting it than she did.
I have a bad habit overanalyzing things, instead of taking them for what they are. The truth is, I truly did love her. And that's not something I wanted to let go of so easily. How often do you find somebody you truly love? It's hard enough for me to find somebody period, let alone have something that was so good. I felt like letting go of her would mean to stop loving her. And I could not get that concept out of my head. I could not distinguish between the girl I loved and the current girl that I couldn't connect with anymore.
It's been a little over a year and a half since I broke up with her. And to be quite honest, it hasn't been the easiest time for me. I attended Santa Clara University for two years, studying computer engineering. It was something I was forced into, for I didn't know what I really wanted. I was failing classes, losing motivation, and just generally felt lost in my life. I didn't know where my future was headed. The person I was living my life for wasn't in it anymore.
I was currently substitute teaching drums at my music school. I chose to find a new, steadier job. Randomly, I chose to apply at Starbucks, and got hired at the location in McCarthy Ranch. There, I met the group of friends that I finally felt I belonged to and appreciated by.
Working at Starbucks brought along a multitude of first experiences for me. Letting go of my inhibitions, the utterly free feeling of dancing. When I dance, it wasn't only other people I had to stop worrying about, but I had to stop worrying about myself. Confidence came from not harshly judging myself any longer. I had to learn to let myself just enjoy it, damn everyone and everything else.
It was also my entrance into the wonderful, wonderful world of alcohol, haha. An 8 hour closing shift on a Friday night, an 8 hour shift early the next morning, and by the time my shift ended, I called up Rob. "Dude, you're buying me a drink tonight."
But mostly, it was just the feeling of belonging to a group of friends. I've always had friends, even been the center of friends. But never before did I ever feel like I belonged. It's a feeling I can't really explain. I am ever grateful for my friends from Starbucks.
By the time I hit my first quarter of junior year at SCU, I was completely unhappy with school. Something needed to change, and it needed to change badly. My parents finally realized it too. My dad started helping me look around for schools. Specifically, with a major having to do with video game programming. He came up with the Art Institute of Portland. It fit. We've all been up in Oregon before, at first because my sister attended Lewis & Clark College, and then because my parents bought a house to use as a vacation home in Beaverton. I slowly fell in love with the place. There was just such a feeling of relaxation when being here. And there are plenty more things to do here than in little old Milpitas. I could attend AIPD and live in my parents' house. Transfer to a Starbucks up here, and decide where I want to go after I graduate.
Breaking the news to my friends was not easy. They weren't happy about me leaving. I certainly wasn't happy about leaving them. But I had to do it for my future. My last two months in Milpitas were a blur. Hanging out everyday, eating out every meal, dancing, drinking, just spendin every minute together possible.
My very last day before leaving, I went to say bye to Kelsey. She looked beautiful. We avoided the issue first, just chatting about whatever. We sat on the couch together, I held her hand, I leaned my head on her shoulder and breathed her in deep. I knew that would be my last chance to. Come time to finally say goodbye, I couldn't do it. I choked up, tears came out, and I stood by her front door holding her. I told her I loved her, I kissed her one last time, and I turned around and walked out of her life. Whoever she is now, it's not who she was. I will always remember the girl I loved, and I will always love her. I refuse to let go of that, refuse to think any less of it than what it was, being a huge part of my life. But, I can let go of her now.
That night, instead of going to sleep early, I went out to see my friends a last time at Starbucks. We all met up outside the store after the closers finished up. My friends and I stood in a circle, Daniel played some music out of his speakers; he, Romil, and I danced a bit for old time's sake. Then came a time I'll never forget. Romil suggested they all say something about me, about how they met me, about how it all started. They each took their turns, saying something. Daniel, Romil, Tina, Joe, Vicky, and Rob. I contributed in the spaces I remembered things. Memories, memories. I never felt more loved.
My time in Oregon has been an amazing, hard, frustrating, lonely, exciting, freeing, learning experience. It's been worth everything I've been through to get here. I can't say I wouldn't have it any other way, I can't say there haven't been regrets, but this is what it is, and this is where I am.
Lyrics. Jun 6
In a moment of inspiration (not the good kind) this morning, I decided to write out song lyrics on the max to school. Made some edits here and there, and this is what I came up with it. Fair warning: it's pretty damn fucking emo. Heh.
"Another Night Alone" by Khoa Ngo
Intro/Verse:
Does she shiver
When she hears my name?
When I cross her mind
Is there any pain?
Verse:
Missing you always
Every night feels the same
Loving you always
Despite all the troubles that came
Chorus:
Another night alone,
In hand another glass of wine
Another drunken night alone
Can't get her out of my mind
In my mind, in my heart,
But not mine
Verse:
In everything, always reminded of her
There's more to life than her, I'm sure
But life feels like a skeleton of something more
Just hollow right down to the core
Chorus:
Another night alone,
Playing on my guitar
Another sad song sung alone
Inflicting yet another scar
The worst of which being you
In my heart
Bridge:
And what the hell am I supposed to do?
Accept defeat, stop loving you?
Can't run away from the truth
Can't pretend there's anything
Anything but you
Double Chorus:
Another night alone
Pouring another glass of wine
Another drunken night alone
On my phone, of you no sign
Another night alone
Chords strummed on my guitar
Another sad song sung alone
The distance between us too far
Outro:
But you're in my heart,
You're in my mind.
But not anymore
You're not mine.
Not on this lonely night.
YouTube Vids
Nasty Boyz - Bump Bump Bump
Song Lyrics
Excerpt from "Go On Girl" by Ne-Yo
I was inviting her into my heart
She was out riding in some other man's car
She was my night time, thought I was her star
Guess I was wrong, but see I'm strong
Won't take me long to move on
Please don't worry bout me, I'm fine
Only gonna play the fool one time
Trust me when I say
That I'll be okay
Go on girl
My Other Sites
Spin that record
iTunes feed - see all
- Sara Bareilles - Gravity
- Damien Rice - Sleep Don't Weep
- OneRepublic - Apologize
- OneRepublic - Apologize
- Ne-Yo - Go on Girl
- OneRepublic - Prodigal
- OneRepublic - Tyrant
- Damien Rice - Sleep Don't Weep
- OneRepublic - Goodbye, Apathy
- OneRepublic - Apologize
Top 3 Bands - see all
- Martin O'Donnell & Michael Salvatori - 130
- Ne-Yo - 123
- OneRepublic - 83
Work
Starbucks
McCarthy Ranch, Milpitas, CA
April 2007 - February 2008
Level 2 Barista
South Bay School of Music Arts
Milpitas, CA
April 2005 - April 2007
Substitute Percussion Instructor
Caffe Romeo
Milpitas, CA
June 2003 - September 2003
Education
Art Institute Of Portland
2008-Present
Currently studying for a
Bachelor's of Science degree
in Visual & Game Progamming
Santa Clara University
2005-2007
Milpitas High School
2001-2005
Milpitas Christian School
1997-2001
Sunnyvale Challenger
1993-1997
Milpitas Christian School
1991-1993
Music
A Fine Frenzy, Alien Ant Farm, ATB, Baumer, Cobra Starship, Dave Matthews Band, Dispatch, Dream Theater, Gym Class Heroes, Hard-Fi, High and Mighty Color, Imogen Heap, Jason Mraz, Liquid Tension Experiment, Maroon 5, Michael Jackson, Muse, Pet Shop Boys, Postal Service, Radiohead, Sara Bareilles, Sia, 311, Vast
Books
Altered Carbon by Richard K. Morgan, The Last Assassin by Barry Eisler, Across The Nightingale Floor by Lian Hearn, His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman, High Fidelity by Nick Hornby, Battle Royale by Koushun Takami, Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman, Demon In My View by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes